I’ve only one factor to say about President Trump’s proposal to reopen Alcatraz as a jail for ruthless offenders.
What took you so lengthy?
The “Rock,” because it has someday been referred to, sits uselessly in the course of the San Francisco Bay, criminally underutilized as a vacationer vacation spot. I’ve been there, and the great thing about the placement is that again when cons tried to go over the wall, sharks had been on obligation 24/7, working as unpaid jail guards.
Steve Lopez
Steve Lopez is a California native who has been a Los Angeles Occasions columnist since 2001. He has gained greater than a dozen nationwide journalism awards and is a four-time Pulitzer finalist.
As Trump mentioned, one man tried to flee a few years in the past, and “they discovered his clothes, fairly badly ripped up. It was a variety of shark bites, lot of issues.”
Talking of issues, critics who suppose this can be a nutty concept say it might break the bank to rebuild the run-down property, which as soon as housed the likes of Al Capone and George “Machine Gun” Kelly however has been shuttered since 1963. A former Alcatraz tour information mentioned there’s no working water, no sanitation and no warmth.
Sure, but it surely’s a jail, not a spa. A “image of regulation and order,” within the phrases of Trump, who ought to know. In any case, he’s a convicted felon.
Though I feel Trump is onto one thing right here, my one quibble is that he’s not pondering grandly sufficient. California has a variety of underutilized sources, so let’s open our minds to the probabilities.
What if the Nice America theme park was recast as Make America Nice Once more? Youngsters would love the RFK Jr. Fluoride-Free Water Slide.
(Summer season Lin / Los Angeles Occasions)
Lower than an hour south of Alcatraz, in Santa Clara, an amusement park known as Nice America has been tanking for many years, and the property was simply offered to a developer in what may very well be the start of the tip for the once-thriving attraction.
However maintain every part. I’ve an concept.
How about altering the title from Nice America to Make America Nice Once more?
Youngsters will love the RFK Jr. Fluoride-Free Water Slide. Step proper as much as the Gavin Newsom dunk tank, and climb aboard the high-speed ICE Practice to Deportation Station.
I even have an concept for the close by Oakland Coliseum, which has been rudely deserted by each the soccer Raiders and the baseball A’s.
I grew up in that stadium and might let you know that Raider followers, particularly, weren’t a timid lot. The phrase “rabid” could also be a stretch, however let’s simply say they expressed themselves with little or no inhibition, very like the crew that invaded and ransacked the U.S. Capitol whereas a joint session of Congress had the audacity to start formalizing the victory of Joe Biden
That gang of patriots has been pardoned by President Trump, however I don’t know in the event that they’ve discovered work but.
So right here’s the pitch:
What self-respecting, MAGA-hat-wearing Trump fanatic wouldn’t pay good cash to observe stay performances by antler-wearing, U.S. flag-waving, pardoned revolutionaries on the rebranded January 6 Coliseum: The place Medieval Occasions Meets Trendy Politics?
They may go full gladiator to the cheers of the gang. Give them ropes and muskets, costume them in skins and watch them scale a reproduction of the Capitol, smash home windows, hunt cowering politicians and assault safety forces just like the heroes we all know them to be.
Maybe Hearst Fort might change into the Western White Home.
(Gemma Calilong)
A few of these proposals may very well be troublesome to execute, I’ll admit, however not if one other California landmark is put to higher use:
Let’s flip Hearst Fort into the Western White Home.
The onetime lair of newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst is at present a Central Coast state park, however, if you happen to recall, Trump wrote a bit e book known as “The Artwork of the Deal.” All he has to do is name Gov. Newsom and say hey, buddy, how badly would you prefer to have extra wildfire reduction funds for Altadena and Pacific Palisades?
Trump sons Eric and Donald Jr. have been gallivanting around the globe, pitching a billion-dollar resort deal in Dubai, a residential tower in Saudi Arabia and a golf course and villa in Qatar, to which I say, “Effectively carried out, boys.” However after so a few years of public service, don’t you should stay in a fort?
As soon as they’re ensconced in San Simeon’s 115-room Casa Grande, the Trump brothers might make Dad proud by dismantling the state’s pesky coastal fee, increasing offshore drilling and bringing a contact of the Atlantic Metropolis expertise to the West Coast.
Large Sur is OK, however I can’t consider a single resort there with both a on line casino or a major rib buffet.
Think about a Mar-a-Lago Monterey in California’s close to future.
And the way a few 60-story Trump Tower Torrance, with a rooftop driving vary and golden seashore umbrellas.
The Western White Home might additionally run interference for SpaceX founder Elon Musk, whose makes an attempt to shoot off extra rockets at Vandenberg Area Drive Base have been stymied by regulators on the aforementioned coastal fee.
I say the extra moonshots the higher, and I’m speaking about one-way journeys. Load up these rockets with political enemies, mendacity information media, the unhealthy hombres and lunatic judges. You possibly can add biomedical researchers and local weather scientists to the manifest too, as a result of they’re going to be out of labor anyway.
I’m simply spitballing right here, however I feel the Queen Mary might simply be repurposed as a floating jail, to deal with overflow from Alcatraz.
L.A.’s Cathedral of Our Girl of the Angels is usually a Vatican satellite tv for pc when Trump turns into pope.
Along with his crypto wealth rising by billions in current months, Trump might take over Crypto.com Area in downtown Los Angeles and switch it into a private piggy financial institution.
Fairly than internet hosting a royal Sunday brunch, maybe the Queen Mary may very well be repurposed as a floating jail — dealing with overflow from Alcatraz.
(Jay L. Clendenin / Los Angeles Occasions)
And due to tariffs, there may very well be sufficient room in all the empty cargo containers on the ports of L.A. and Lengthy Seaside to eradicate homelessness in a single day.
All that may stand in the best way of creating America nice once more is an absence of creativeness, so be at liberty to ship me your personal concepts about the way to make higher use of present sources. However first, let me share another of mine.
From the banks of Alcatraz, you may virtually toss a frisbee to close by Angel Island, which can be vastly underutilized. I’ve been there, and it’s a superbly pretty state park with gorgeous 360-degree views. However have you learnt what it was used for?
Within the first half of the final century, tons of of 1000’s of immigrants had been processed, interrogated and detained on the island. And the barracks are nonetheless there.
What are we ready for?
steve.lopez@latimes.com
